My Surreal Life

My Musings, My Thoughts & My Ponderings

Dating & The Rules

Dating is like an equation, x+y=z, but what happens when you introduce variables, and you multiple your original idea by a whole set of new factors and realise at the end of the day, a relationship is not solely based on just two individuals. There are so many external variables that you could write a how-to manual for them and still not get them all! But they are ultimately the joys of dating. Opening yourself up to a world of new personalities and people and being able to enjoy how they influence your significant other.

I have opened myself up to a whole new world using ‘The Rules’ and within a week of reading them I have a new man, and not just any old man, one who wants to be in my life and who wants to see me. This contrary to my past encounters with men is very different.

I met him for the first time January 23rd when I went out for an early birthday celebration. We chatted, we kissed and then the end of night tug started for me to go home with him but I didn’t! I woke up the next morning totally irritated that I couldn’t remember his name because I always remember a mans name. But I knew he played in a band so was definitely sure I would bump in to him again!

In the mean time, I purchased ‘The Rules’, read them cover to cover and started to amend my expectations. I am worthy after all of a relationship unlike any other, I’m worthy of happiness and shouldn’t have to settle for the shitetious behaviour my previous men have shown.

A few weeks past and even trying to use my skills as an investigative specialist, I couldn’t locate any information on him. So I let it slid with the mantra that’s ‘what’s for you, won’t pass you’. And then, the facebook update I’d been waiting for… His band was playing last Friday night. I text my bff and we were all ready to go and see what would happen.

‘The Rules’ state that you should never talk to a man first so as a bubbly individual I find that super hard to do because I generally find it easy to talk to men. So with a new rules outlook on life and a bff who was TOTALLY SUPPORTIVE of my new ‘outlook’, we went off to the pub.

Now, I’m also told that only one drink is permitted because that’s when everything starts to go a bit out the window. But, I can handle my alcohol and was determined to use at least some of what I had absorbed! Now, when you walk in to a bar, try and absorb the atmosphere, look fabulous and confident, it is generally super hard! The whole point is shoulders back, head high and for the love of God; DON’T FALL OVER while attempting to find the perfect seat. Once you make it that far it’s all okay.

So we sat at the bar and had a few drinks, I noticed there was a very attractive man sitting behind my bff, who looks familiar and kept looking at me. He was figuring me out as much as I was him. So, the girls and I got a table and he got on the stage and the gig began. The whole way through the first half of the gig he would look down and I caught him looking a lot, so every time I strutted to the bar, I felt amazing.

So I was using Rule 1 & 2 to establish the fact that he was interested or that he wasn’t. The break in the gig was the perfect opportunity to approach me as our table was on the way to his side of the stage. So the girls were going out for a smoke and I decided not to join them, as there was more of a chance of an encounter when I was alone. So, I sat and I drank my drink, replied to some texts and then he walked straight up to me. He told me, I was beautiful and introduced himself, I was like a giddy school girl, but enjoyed a brief 3min flirtation & I was told to stay back for a drink afterward.

Now, my initial use of ‘The Rules’ worked in this case, however, I don’t think the accepting a drink offer would fall in to appropriate behaviour. But I felt given the fact, he was working, had approached me first and couldn’t stay for a brief chat was all indicators that it was okay.

He spent the second half of the gig catching my eye and smiling at me. I felt like i was on top of the world. I felt like I had achieved something because he was interested and not me. He was making the moves which are what the book says they do when they are interested.

After the gig, we had a few drinks, a chat, some kisses and I went back to his house. Now, while NOT rules acceptable, the fact this was our second meeting, he had done all the leg work, had bought the drinks, was complementary in the most genuine way, and I was in need of some loving, I decided to bite the bullet. That’s very no no no of ‘The Rules’ I know but I really did feel comfortable enough. Anyway, I got a tour of the house, more insight in to the man he was and the night was over, numbers were exchanged, a taxi was called and paid for and I went home to be greeted by a text message when I walked in the door. For me, it was a perfect night, played within the confines of my rules and I definitely got the result I expected.

Saturday, I was heading cross country. I received texts and was well able to maintain my composure by not replying straight away. This is probably one of the first points where I disagree with the book. In the book, you should not always answer mans every phone call or message, he should be required to make more calls/messages to you than you do to him. Personally I find that is super bad bad manners. And I really don’t agree with it. However, what I do believe is that a nice little space between when he texts and you reply. Out of habit with everyone I would always reply immediately, it really doesn’t matter who the person is, but this time, I’ve slowed it right down, even if I feel the need to respond straight away, and I type the text, I schedule it to be sent about 30mins or so later. It means that you don’t have your phone attached to your hand and you are a busy individual which is the impression the book tells you that you should give. So, that is my first compromise. I’m really trying not too make many, but for me it is a manners thing, and time delay is key.

Sunday was Valentines Day and I got a message to wish me a ‘Happy Valentines Day’ and would I be interested in going out. As per the rules, you don’t accept a last minute date; however, this had been briefly discussed on Friday night and was dependent on how I was feeling after my trip. So, I said I was available, and then he called me to arrange the night! I honestly can’t remember the last time I guy actually called me and it was so scary and nerve wracking. So we decided to go out for a drink, in a pub where we are both known and it was very public, so we went for a drink and he paid for every round bar one. Which is another rule I broke, it says that you should only have one drink! Personally I can’t nurse a bottle of beer for longer than 30mins but I can totally handle my alcohol which is fine! So, then there was banter, giggles, laughs, serious conversations, people watching and more insight in to this fabulous new man in my life. At this point the evitable ‘home’ conversation took place again. Only this time there was a variable, his kids were staying in the house that night and he wanted to make sure I was comfortable being there. My point to him was that he had to sure that he was comfortable with me being there in the house with his kids. It wasn’t about my comfort level it was all about him, because it is his environment. So, I went back out to his place again, we talked more about the kids, had some tea and he dropped me home at 7am yesterday morning.

Personally I feel ‘The Rules’ are working super well at the moment even with my own variant. I had texts yesterday afternoon, and he mentioned being glad to meet me and wanting to see me again. Things that up until now, I hadn’t been receiving from men, then again, I can’t actually remember the last time I kissed the same man 3 times in one month. It was possible it was June 2009 and even that wasn’t half as positive as this. When he text me last night he told me he had a wonderful weekend and he wanted to spend more weekends with me, so it makes me quietly optimistic but at the same time he is just under 10 years older than me, is recently out of a 12 year relationship where he realised he didn’t love her and had 3 biological kids and has been a Dad to a 4th since she was 4 months old. He showed me the two girls sleeping on Sunday night, they are precious and at the same time, there is a little bit of me relieved that if it did work I would only have to have one or none! Honestly I doubt it will last that long but he seems too genuine it’s hard to not!

So, I firmly believe that The Rules are definitely worth trying and worth doing, because along with the Rules, I picked up a copy of ‘The Worlds Greatest Love Poems’ and for the first time in a really really long long time I feel open to the thought of love and love that is real. I also realise now that I deserve to have it and there is no good reason why I shouldn’t have. I was talking to my bff on Sunday on the phone after he called me and I can’t remember exactly what I said but she passed comment about me not realising that I deserve it. And it was shocking because for all the awfulness I’ve put up with in the last 10 years, I never really realised that I deserved better. Now granted, certain people would think that I’m young, and I shouldn’t even be considering dating a man with children and baggage, but you can’t help who you fall for, the personalities, the talents, it’s everything.

It’s the variables that make the equation so interesting, but the thing about equations is that they always work out. Be it with a solution that makes sense or one that rocks your world, it works. It is about finding the right variables to solve it, which is why it can take a few attempts to get it right.


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This entry was posted on February 16, 2010 by in Reposted Blogs.

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