My Musings, My Thoughts & My Ponderings
How quick is too quick to fall in love? How can you tell the difference between lust and lust confused as love?
I have been hurt and let down in the past. Men haven’t exactly treated me with a great deal of respect, and when it has gone down, it has never ever been pleasant! More often than not the hassle has come from the men who weren’t even ex-boyfriends; they were just guys who I’d hooked up with.
Unfortunately, I’ve had one scandal in which some of my closest friends chose to drop me over. On New Years Day 2005, I was at a house party and I was with a boy I had previously been hooking up with. His friends were there messing around with a video camera and decide that while we were having sex they would recorded it without my knowledge through a glass pane at the top of the door. They then burst in to the room and all hell broke lose, dragging covers off the bed, dragging me on to the floor and generally acting like total prats. The video was re-watched the same night and apparently appeared on YouTube for a while. I went back to college, and was confronted by ten friends during the exams a week later and suffice to say they weren’t supportive in any shape or form. About 18months past and the guy randomly called me one day to apologise. I heard later that one of the girls made sure the tape was destroyed. I didn’t hear from the guy again until June 2009, and basically ignored him until November 2009, when the middle of the night phone calls and repetitive texts drove me mad and I met him for drinks. I thought he may have grown up over 5 years but no. The drinks were okay, there was making out and some foreplay and then I didn’t hear from him for 3 weeks. At which point the texts and calls started again. I now just ignore him in the hope he goes away and dies. His friends still pass smart remarks when I see them out. I’m very afraid that he has something against or will do something to me or basically make an idiot of me and my younger ways in the future. My bff has said that he would of already done it if he wanted to but I have this sickly feeling that he will wait till I’m delightfully happy and then screw me over. I wasn’t naive when I was younger but I did just get involved with people who were ultimately toxic for me.
I have adjusted perceptions of people a lot since I’ve hit my mid- twenties and my current relationship scares me because he is being what I want, he is calling and texting, being sweet, he picked our song last night for crying out loud. If you read the messages you will see what I mean. But I don’t want to be scared, but I am because maybe this is it! I have fallen harder and faster for less but not been surprised when things have fallen flat. So maybe that’s why I’m being so guarded I really don’t know. I wish I knew because he is being so open and so emotional and so honest. Which is amazing because there is no lying, I don’t feel the need to text all the time, I don’t feel the need to see him everyday. Although considering his situation, with the kids and the ex, maybe I just know what I need to do to make this last.
I’m totally in to him, I know that and I love that fact that I can really be me around him. Its definitely not a lust thing but having been hurt before really hasn’t helped. I think I’m really just going to open myself and if I get my heartbroken so be it! At this stage, he has been so nice that it really makes no different, its gonna definitely be a little bit broken. So, I’m going to continue playing by ‘The Rules’ and see what happens. One of them explains about the importance of the man in the relationship dealing with the ‘loves’ first and its definitely something that I’ve previously fallen victim to so , its about time that I took a step back. And see whats gonna happen. I’m super excited about seeing him tomorrow night, I do miss him a lot, just being in his presence makes me smile, so it will be a really great night….
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My Musings, My Thoughts & My Ponderings
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