My Surreal Life

My Musings, My Thoughts & My Ponderings

Forgetting How To Write

Something happened between this and my last entry, I lost myself and forgot how good writing makes me feel. I forgot how taking some time out for me and expressing my thoughts keeps me sane.  It has been a long period of writers block and I honestly can’t remember why I ended up in that space and how I won’t ever end up there again. Its a scary thought.

I’ve be suffering severely with anxiety and panic attacks over the last number of months, these have been accompanied by cluster headaches, which are most unpleasant.   I’ve returned to my ana/mia motivation with some of periods of self-harm. Nothing too bad, but enough to have it consume a lot of my thoughts and I’ve made some friends. Its probably not a good thing, but I’ve Instagram for my iPhone and it really has helped me express my thoughts in a photographic manner and just have a vent which is really what I need.

I’ve lost a lot of friends over the last number of years.  Most by choice because they were either toxic or just not part of what I’ve needed to be around, others I’ve lost through life.  They have moved away and I can’t always be the one that spends the time chasing after them.  I think that is most upsetting, that for some of them I’ve spent a lot of time chasing girls down and not once have they even come to me.  Case and point, my ‘best friend’ for my wedding, I only got word that day she wasn’t going to make it across and I’ve heard nothing from her since.  It upsets me because I don’t feel I should always have to make the communication.  To be fair, it won’t make a difference the next time I see her it will be amazing and fabulous, however, it bothers me much.  I might try and make a girlie weekend, perhaps when hubby isn’t here. I shall see… I just want to have all of my people around and have them in my life, because it isn’t a life unfortunately that they are involved in.  They are not where I am nor have they experience in anything that i’m going through, maybe its why they have taken a step back, who knows.  It scares me, I don’t let many people in. I don’t want to have to let new people in.  I can’t keep changing my friends on a regular basis.

It has been several months of big change. I’ve gotten married, been through a whole legal process with my hubby to do with the Children and is ex-bitch! Its been very stressful, things have gotten stressful with the whole financial situation with bills, with banks, and with having a self-employed hubby! I’m not very happy with my job and things are just getting in the way of us moving forward.  So, we have decided that going forward, we are going to move forward… It has come to our attention that we are the only two looking after ourselves. We seem to hit up a thick block steel wall every time we try to make a positive impact on our lives. So, we are just going to push on through and see what happens.

Its been tough, we have been so very stressed, we haven’t been fighting which is an absolute God-send, however, we have been venting and stressed, and then drinking comes in to play…. so we are trying to work towards the future.  We are trying to get on with our life.  We spent the first 6 months of our marriage in a really low place, we weren’t moving forward, we were just trying to survive.  So we took stock, realized where we were going to win battles and realized what battles were not worth fighting.  Its scare when you have to make assumptions about your life.  its scary that these are the things that we are being faced with and whats worse is that not one decision has gone right for us.  It is the opposite, everything has gone wrong, absolutely everything.

I suppose for me, the picture is the exact definition of how tough it is to run a life, a home, a marriage and kids.  Its so tough and that is going to be my next challenging.  Finding out how to be the best CEO of my life….

I’m going to need all the look everyone can provide. I’m excited but scared and afraid of failure…..

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This entry was posted on June 3, 2012 by in Reposted Blogs.
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