My Surreal Life

My Musings, My Thoughts & My Ponderings

Varying Definitions of Motherhood

Who deserves to be a mom? Does everyone? Or should it be left to those who can truly raise a child regardless of their biological connection to said child?

As a step mom, and first time pregnant woman, I have seen the perception that comes along with being a step-mom. 96% of it is based on classic cliches used by ignorant people who truly believe that being a step parent is something completely different to being a mom. There seems to be a common school of thought who believe that there is no way that you could love the children like your own, that you are only trying to replace the bio-mom and my favorite that you are not a mother. But what makes me less of a mother than some person who adopts children? What gives them some some higher moral authority than a step-mom?

There is a culture in society that seems to think that step-moms are evil, but I’ve seen evil moms, adoptive moms and foster moms. So why is the tone and attitude so negative towards us? There is also the attitude that a step-mom is more likely to be man-stealing whore and how could anyone nice steal a man from another woman? Lets not forget those who believe that unless you have carried and delivered a baby, you couldn’t feel a maternal instinct if you tried!

It’s so upsetting for me because I would give my life for my step-children, I love them like they are my own and if I could adopt them I would (obviously without the requirement to give up all access to bio-mom), I truly believe I’m a positive influence in their lives. I support them, guide them, attend school meetings and general do what my mom did for me because I believe that’s how a child should be raised (plus I turned out fairly good so it’s not a method to be mocked).

Firstly in the eyes of the law, I am nobody, I’m not a guardian, a mother or a responsible person for them, yet of something happened to them in my care would a hospital or health facility take my instructions in relation to their care? I don’t see why provision can’t be made for a certain level of responsibility. I’m looking after them, paying for things, paying maintenance to their mother (as my husband doesn’t have the financial means which the court don’t believe) and yet I have no respect for anyone for this. Secondly, there seems to be an issue for certain people who are in situations similar to me, (my best friend and I have come to this ground breaking conclusion) that they are in rose-tinted glasses relationships. Some women find themselves in relationships with men who have children, think the men will drop the kids when they move permanently in with them or think that the kids are just a novelty. Unfortunately, children are not toys, they will be fully grown adults one day & your involvement will shape their personalities.

In an ideal world where a man is responsible for his offspring, it is important to know your standards. It’s not easy and not simple. Children do come first for him, and so they should. You need to want to be involved. It should be blended, it’s unfair to effectively live a double life. If you are willing you be with a man that has children then you need to be 100% committed, if you don’t want to commit to children then you probably holding be with the man. The man you fell for is that man because of his children. It’s naive to think this isn’t the case. It’s important to go in to a relationship like this with your eyes wide open, it’s the only way it has a fighting chance of success!


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This entry was posted on November 30, 2012 by in Personal and tagged , , , , .

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