Conflicting Emotions

I try not to get too involved in mass hysteria that is the standard emotthional process of pregnancy, step-parenting and marriage because each is different. Each person is different and you should not be confined by society and the standards the it sets.

I’m very much at a crossroads lately, particularly with my pregnancy and with my eating disorder. I have found that the two of them are linked so strongly that no matter how much you tell yourself that you need to be healthy for the baby, ultimately it is so so hard. There is always a voice trying to counteract all the good, confuse your thoughts and ultimately make things so much harder. I am trying so hard to be healthy for my baby, but I am still weighing myself several times a week. Everytime I look in the mirror, I don’t see a pregnant lady, I see just a badly shaped lady who isn’t comfortable with her thoughts. I’m trying not to see fat but I do. Honestly, its sad and scary but I see right now in my current pregnant state I still don’t look pregnant I just look fat. I hate that’s what I see but I can’t control it.

What also makes things hard to deal with it is hubbys reaction to me, the pregnancy etc. It seems that he is still finding me attractive but isnt finding his own sexual desire for me. As mucn as I try to talk to him about it he feels himself that he isn’witht attractive but when I try to engage in playful sexting or banter, I’m hit with a brick wall. Its like he is afraid of hurting the baby. The guy has three kids already so I really thought this wouldn’t be an issue. It hurts! There isn’t a whole lot else I can say except that its making me even more self conscious because I feel so unattractive.

I’ve found myself begging not in a desperate way for love making but always having to be the one who initiates it, feeling awful when he doesn’t touch me back, kiss me back or comes up with some excuse. I’m finding that I’m already putting myself under pressure to figure out how to get really skinny after the birth. I want my hubby to be sexually attractive to me. I want him to be turned on by me and I dont want to just be his wife and mother of his child. I want to be desirable to him.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, everything i feel is so much stress on me. I feel so alone in these emotions and I don’t have anyone to turn to. I’m scared every day he will leave me for someone skinnier, more attractive and better than me. These feelings are turning me toxic.