My Musings, My Thoughts & My Ponderings
I’ve often tried to “recover”, although I’ve still to really understand what it really means. Does it mean never engaging in destructive behaviour again? Does it mean never having another negative thought? Each person wants something different from recovery & there is really not one path to get there, nor is there a place where we all should meet in recovery. Each persons disease is something different, its route is something different, so is its severity. The severity is dependent on each persons ability to cope with the illness and to cope with challenge and change in their lives. I find myself here now because I think I am giving my illness too much ownership over me and I’m ready to fight for my life back.
I attended my first online group session on Monday and it was interesting as nobody could talk about specific behaviours or feelings so it wouldn’t trigger. I found that most people there have an active illness but are not seeking assistance elsewhere, and that a lot don’t necessarily want help in the long term, and online support is enough of a step for them to live in both worlds. From not owning the behaviour they engage in they are talking but not being specific so its like an out to a small degree. The secret is still safe but generally they are expresing themselves. Its something the service could enhance but I suppose costing & the number of faciliators cause problems running something more. I will probably attend some more sessons, but I feel in control of me to take positive steps.
I developed bulimia at 15, it started with an unhealthy body image at 13. By the time I was booked in to see a counsellor in out-patient recovery as there were not bed in the facility I was 17. I was talking 30-40 pills a day, counting calories, restricting using the grid method, excessive workout sessions, weighing myself everytime i entered my bedroom and also using duct tape to tape up my fat to make it disappear. I was 112lbs when I saw the therapist for the first time. I was motivated, driven and I wanted to achieve my goals. The I had CBT & spent a lot of time snapping an elastic band around my wrist to break habits. And it did work, but it broke a lot more. It broke my motivation and my will-power. I spent my time talking about why I engaged in the behaviours I did. And after a course of sessions, I left as I was “recovered”, in the moment CBT worked like a dream. But there was one downside, nobody discussed the fact that there are major changes in your life beween 17-22 and how to cope and move forward. Nobody discussed how alcohol, men and body changes would affect you. How going from 3+ hours of exercise to nothing would play havoc with my body shape. Organised recoverey deals with the now but not the long-term plan. Its tough paticularly when you enter your late twenties and there is marriage, kids, pregnancy etc. I spent a lot of time between 18-22 restricting my calories, not counting but just not eating a lot, I still had negative body image. I left college moved home, and things were similar. When I moved out I started drinking and eating a lot, my weight ballooned and I became very depressed, ate and drank more. I ended up in a bad relationship and let myself go and to this day I am so angry at myself for allowing things to get so bad. I had no motivation to remove myself from the situation, I had no desire to do anything or to fix myself.
In November 2008, I lost my job, moved home & lost my relationship with my waster boyfriend and had to pick myself up again. I had to start my life again at over 180lbs. It was harrowing that I could gain 68lbs without stopping myself. At that point I understood and felt and still feel that CBT took my motivation away from me completely. There was nothing left in me and nothing to stop me from falling deeper in to the hole. But I stopped, started walking, started eating properly & stopped drinking so much. I was living with my parents, I had not options. I joined Weight Watchers, got to my gold card weight of 140lbs and started becoming obsessed with counting points, not eating my daily quota, severe restricting and that was how I got there. March 2010 I dropped to 135lbs, I was happy, healthy and I had a man. Slowly became social with him and my weight creeped up again. After we got engaged I paid silly money to attend the Motivation Weight Clinics and I started restricting again. Counting calories, food sizes and the calories on the program were max 800 a day, I was starving, not losing and so unhappy with my weight. It was a roundabout I couldn’t get off. I picked a dress I wanted to look fab in and didn’t lose a lb. Nothing, not even my wedding could make me want to lose weight. I peaked in August 2012 before I got pregnant at 178lbs.
I haven’t looked in the mirror and been happy properly ever. Everything is analysed by fat, by numbers. I hate what I see, its so distorted, I spent my time being obsessed with how I look and not being able to do anything about it. I don’t know why, I’ve cut, I’ve purged, I’ve starved. But I can’t formulate something to make me happy and healthy. My husband runs marathons and I still can’t run a mile. I should be ashamed of myself. I really should. There is nothing stopping me but everything is stopping me. In my head all I pinpoint is failing again. I don’t want to fail, I don’t want be fat, I don’t want to be too skinny, I don’t want to be obsessed anymore. I can’t stand looking at myself and seeing the fat failure I see. That my husband sees, that my family sees and the anxiety I may be causing my unborn child. I need to be done with all of this negativity. My thought yesterday was whether or not I’m using my disease as an excuse for not moving forward because I feel scared, or whether I’m being stopped by my disease. An eating disorder is not a disease that people who are older than 25 should suffer from. Its a selfish disease, it absorbes you, its hard to maintain relationships with anyone else. Its hard to maintain a relationship with yourself. I’m married, I’ve a husband, I’m a parent to three step-children who I adore and I’m pregnant. I’m also working full time and I have to also be a person to myself. More often then not this is the last thing that gets attention, but yet I spend all my time hating myself.
I’m replused everytime I stand on the scale, get naked, touch myself or look at myself. I physically hate what I see. I’ve cut on occassion over the last decade and its a stress reliever for me. As late as last year I was still cutting, its not normal behaviour for a wife and mother. Its not healthy or happy. I have tried to explain to my husband but its not something he will ever really understand. But I try to be as honest as I can. I try to allow that to help me heal, sharing will allow me to not feel so alone. But you can’t share the thoughts that creep in, thoughts that wish you were dead, thoughts that wonder what it would feel like to smash in to a concrete wall at 70mph. Or if I could just press the knife down that little bit more to make the voices stop. Not necessarily die but make life stop, something to allow me to start again. Reset my brain, start wuth a clean slate.
Its sharing all these thoughts, these dark twisted thoughts, the thoughts that have comsumed me for over a decade I need to let them go. Its like I’m living in my disease for no good reason. I’m allowing myself to be comsumed for no good reason. I can’t understand why I am living in this fear, it makes no sense. I can’t understand why I feel this fear, why I can’t leave it behind me. Its like I am afraid of taking a step forward but I’m also afraid of being fat, so why am I stuck in this limbo of nothingness. Its frustrating me and its really shown me why I need to move on from this. This is not a life, its not anything that fits in with what I want to deal with in my life. There is enough without this, because this is selfish.
I need to be able to deal with my pregnancy, embrace my shape, not hate myself, this is supposed to be a happy time for me. I need to look for the future, set an example. Exercise, eat healthy, try and be more positive. Be a better person. I need to so this for me. I need to walk with confidence and purpose. I can’t be restricted any more. I need to get healthy, be healthy and find a way to break this cycle of hate. I believe I’m in a place where I can achieve this now. I just hope the strength and positivity I feel today will continue. I need to have my bliss and not be a failure to myself anymore.
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My Musings, My Thoughts & My Ponderings
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