My Musings, My Thoughts & My Ponderings
I had a very interesting discussion with TwitterStepMoms today about a Mothers sense of “entitlement”, and the difference between those who are Moms without divorce/relationship breakdown and those who go through such a breakdown.
Its an interesting topic because you will get a variety of opinions on the issue from both sides, and then the StepMom weighs in (which generally illicit’s additional feedback from others).
Firstly, I must say that I’m a StepMom & have been since 2010. I greeted the children with open arms and remained open to building a relationship with them since Day 1 at a level and pace they are comfortable with. I grew up with my Mom and Dad having a stable marriage, and learned my morals and values through them. Their parenting has been an inspiration to how I took on the ‘step’ situation (even though my Mom wasn’t too happy about it) .
I was lead to believe that parenting was a full time position, when you have a child you are responsible for them 24/7 and there is no time off and no entitlement that you will have any sort of time off short of a quiet shower or an occasional coffee with a friend. However, it seems that those BioMoms who are now the product of divorce, seem to have some irrational sense of entitlement on ensuring that they have every second weekend off/monetary compensation/primary carer syndrome. I decided to do a Google Image search on “mothers sense of entitlement” and this is what I found……
I did laugh a lot at this one, because it just sums up the situation so clearly.
Speaking with a Clinical Psychologist today who is part of the TwitterStepMoms community she suggested that
‘Entitlement is never pleasant, sometimes it’s driven by shame’
I pondered this with several other StepMoms and we all could view a sense of entitlement shown by our BioMoms in the following ways:-
In our situation, the opinion I get from BioMom (who has no desire to meet me) is that she separates her current relationship from her relationship with the children, there is no blending of the two. She sees no purpose with me in the situation because she is playing the ‘Perfect Mother’ card. She is also playing the victim card to those that know her because we are obviously awful people who shouldn’t have the children as often as we do (makes perfect sense, with 45% custody). She is also playing the ‘Primary Carer’ (i’m the only person who has any control or say in raising the children) Syndrome as her number one entitlement card.
Primary Carer Syndrome to me is total rubbish because it is identified by the BioMom in her own mind. Legally, my husband is a joint guardian of his three children (him and BioMom were never married), we have 45% access of the children. We should have more input but we are not allowed, because we are told repeatedly that “I’m the primary carer”, which is so very condescending. BioMom is not a single mother, she lives with her partner. She is refusing to have our active input because of this smug sense of entitlement, over nothing. When we can’t pick up the children, she has started to refuse to allow us access the following week. Which in her mind is affecting us in some way, but in reality, she is only affecting the children. If she keeps the children for the 15 hours between 6pm and 9am, its not really any big difference to our evening, yes we miss the children, but psychologically its screwing with them more then its screwing with us. But there is not a hell of a chance of her keeping the children for a weekend when we should have them, because that would definitely interfere with her social life. Irony though, as she has an eldest daughter of 17 who she also seems to also enjoy not having to parent even though she is there full time. Alas not our problem anymore, she made that one perfectly clear!!!
Perhaps the shame is to do with her behavior towards the end of the relationship, perhaps its to do with the way she has behaved since the breakup. Its not something we will ever know though. We can only try to ponder the ex and never ever figure it out. I did bring this (‘Entitlement is never pleasant, sometimes it’s driven by shame’) to my husbands attention, and he pondered it too. He did make a true statement about her shameful behavior prior to their split so why she would feel shame now is ridiculous (which I understand). Perhaps there is something associated with this whole process that she has some guilt or shame. However, we have said that at this point there is no going back and no relationships to be built at this point. The damage is done, end of and nothing can be repaired at this point.
Its like a kick in the teeth all the time, because every time there is a text message you can smell this air of condescension coming from it. There is a define air of Mother Entitlement. Its irritating & uncalled for, particularly when we see the children 12 out of every 14 days. It invalidates her whole argument of why she is pulling all of this behavior If there was any true issues she wouldn’t have the children in our care. Its an interesting situation with a woman that has no communication ever with us.
BioMoms who haven’t been through a relationship breakdown don’t seem to have these issues with men who have equally played a part in the creation of the children, they don’t seem to ask for ‘breaks’, don’t seem to have any condescension towards their partners. Why become a parent if you are not willing to do the hours, why set a bad example to your children because you feel that you are entitled to? Well guess what, at the end of the day its only your children’s attitude, perception and morals that are taking the hit.
As a StepMom, there are very few people who will understand what we go through on a daily basis and who will understand what its like to have blatant entitlements thrown in our face & our husbands disrespected on a daily basis with absolutely no merit. Its an awful feeling, and its takes a very strong personality and the desire to constantly work on yourself in order to be able to deal with the emotions of step-parenting. There are also so many people who will give out about what I’ve penned this evening, but at the end of the day, this is how I see our situation & unfortunately its the truth for us, and how we feel. Its a daily battle to stay strong for my marriage & my husband.
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My Musings, My Thoughts & My Ponderings
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