My Surreal Life

My Musings, My Thoughts & My Ponderings

The Harsh Lonliness of Being A StepMom

I’m not being ungrateful and I love being a StepMom but there are some very evident times when being a StepMom is the loneliest role in the world. As I write this from my hospital bed I wonder about how this would play out if I wasn’t a StepMom. This is my husbands 4th baby, 5th child he has been involved in raising. This is my first baby, and the only baby I get to have. When we met, my husband was very clear that with the right woman, the woman he would marry, that there was one more child in his future. He believed that it would be unfair to her and to their marriage not to solidify that bond if it was something that was meant for them. I appreciate his honesty from the outset as it allowed our relationship to develop fully from the get go! Having only ever wanted one child, it suits me perfectly. Having three StepChildren wasn’t in the plan if I’m honest but I wouldn’t change it for the world!

As I’m lying here thinking about my Husband and StepChildren & how my inconvenient admission to hospital is, I’m sad because it makes me realise that if my husband never had children he would be beside me. He would be worried for me & making sure that we were okay. That’s not to say he isn’t worried but he is still picking up the children later and because he is working today too I’m gonna get about 5mins of his attention this evening. He will drop my hospital bag over and hurry off to get the children. That’s it. That’s all I’m going to get. It makes me so lonely and sad, I don’t think I’m being inappropriate or selfish but if those three StepChildren were my children there would be family support so he could be with me but there isn’t so he won’t at least not without stress.

There is something about being a StepMom that means you truly have to expect less from your husband. They aren’t as available. You cannot have the same expectations of them as you could if you were alone. You can try to prepare & understand that things won’t be the same but in the situation there is anger that appears and you can’t make it go away. Its towards your husband, the StepChildren, yourself & biomom. There is something taunting about biomoms presence, like she is laughing that she still has control. And she does have a certain contol irrespective of what relationship the husband has with her, everytime he picks his children over his wife there is a part of you that feels biomom is winning. At least that’s how it feels to me & its very hard to describe this emotion to anyone else. Its not something would ever share with my husband. To him I am independent & strong, I would never allow him to see the tears I cry over this.

Honestly, it is in moments like this I do wish he was mine & mine alone. I wish this was new for us both. I wish we were in a traditional first family marriage. But I made this choice & there is always the feeling that you can’t mention it to anyone, because they will just say that its the choice I’ve made. Does it make me a bad person? I don’t believe so. There is a notion that as I made this choice I should grin & bear it permanently. I can’t ask for support, I can’t share my feelings with many people. Most that get me I personally don’t know, they are my TwitterStepMoms & my Instagram family. They allow me to vent & provide support for moments like this.

The irony of this is that not a member of my husbands family would help. BioMom would sooner add stress than be thankful that the children are surrounded by positivity and love. But the one person who has stepped up is my mom, the StepGrandMother/StepNana. She has gone to my home so my husband can come to me. I would never ask her to do that. But she does despite the initial feelings and reactions she had. She is my parenting role model, I appreciate all she does for us.

There is a lonliness, being a StepMom is lonely, its isolating & few understand, few could cope & still be sane. Its times like this that really make you understand the scarifices you make and how tough it is. I often wonder if what I’m feeling is normal, given that I’ve nobody to openly discuss this with, I’ll keep it to myself. But it does open a can of worms filled with emotion. Processing it will be a challenge.

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5 comments on “The Harsh Lonliness of Being A StepMom

  1. blendermom3
    August 4, 2013

    Feeling that lately too….and few do understand.

  2. lonely girl
    September 26, 2013

    you are not alone..

    i am always lonely i feel so isolated. i cant stand that i have no family. yes im married but sk’s & husbsnd have their own little family i sit alone & cry a lot as i.am not wanted or welcome. i want a baby so bad but husband had a vasectomy. always wlnder if it is worth being the stepmonster or not..

    • lauragrace
      September 26, 2013

      Can hubby get it reversed? That’s not fair on you at all. You have every right to have a chance to be a mother too. I hope someday you do lonelygirl.you deserve to be apart of the family

  3. T
    September 26, 2013

    So well put and so very true. The choice we make but never really know the full implications of until it’s too late. No-one told me I would go through my first pregnancy with all the worries alone because he’d been there and done that and couldn’t share my concerns, that I would have my child and 10mins later he would rush off to collect SD because he’d not seen her for the 14 hours i was in labour. Or that I would have to stay in hospital alone for 3 days with a very sick infant with a couple of half hour visits because it happened to coinside with visitation! It is so hard to not feel neglected and even harder to rationalise that it’s not the SCs fault we are just a victim of circumstance. It’s so very difficult to not have these feelings or share these emotions because after all “you knew what you were getting into!” I can only thank the stars that there is a bigger step family out there who will listen to grumbles and not judge you; thank you step parents for stepping up and supporting each other!

  4. lauragrace
    September 26, 2013

    Very few do understand. My friends always tell me how awesome I am being a SM to 5 and that if anyone could do it, it’s me. But they don’t realise just how emotional and lonely it can be.

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This entry was posted on May 1, 2013 by in Personal.
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