My Musings, My Thoughts & My Ponderings
For the last 12 months I have been adapting to life as a biological mother along with the daily learning that comes from being a Stepmom. Blending the two realities has been a challenge, lessons learned along the way have been striking and more often than not, I’ve had to reevaluate mymyself and look at the root cause of my emotions. It has been extremely satisfying, it has been challenging and at times I’ve wanted to run away but that comes with life, love and everything in between. I write this not to deter but to enlighten. I’ve had thoughts and had to deal with emotions that I found scary, that bothered me and that honestly I couldn’t imagine actually came from my head. What I have learned from my experiences and from my support network is that there is nothing to be ashamed of. The sooner we acknowledge and accept our emotions the quicker our sanity returns and we can move forward with our life. Not saying that you will but the possibility is there, and no shame should be felt.
So here are some of the thoughts that consume my mind as a first time mom from conception to now:
• the reality of being a first time mom with a husband who wasn’t a first time dad,
• the insecurities of not having him fuss and obsess like a scared new dad.
• living in the shadows of an ex who has already been through it.
• the reminders of your other half having “been through it before”, while looking at your stepchildren.
• the feeling of comparsion pressure between pregnancy and birth with the ex.
• the feeling that you can’t be as outwardly excited about the pregnancy and every kick because you don’t want to annoy your other half.
• the feeling of potentially being weaker than the ex depending on how each labour comparisons.
• being worried about parenting skills and whether you will adapt as well as the ex.
• hearing your other half say the words “well I’ve been through this before”.
• being too scared to bring your concerns forward to your other half.
• trying to out do the ex during pregnancy and after through weight management, style & the illusion of having it all together.
• trying to manage everything with the your stepchildren and your baby.
• seeing your partner continue doing his routine while you struggle to get time for the simplest tasks.
• feeling judged by your partner about night routines, feeding etc.
Your other half is probably not putting the pressure on you, the majority of these issues are created in your own mind, but that is not to say that they are any less valid, any less substantial and not capable of really destroying your experience of pregnancy and motherhood. It can be one of the most lonely experiences even for those with friends who have been pregnant. There is a strong likelihood that no matter how many moms will try to “help”, you will continually get the push back that, you knew what you signed up for when you met him.
Unfortunately, while there may be a 1% chance that statement is actually true. You will never know how you’ll respond to the situation until you are living it. Things I assumed I would be fine with suddenly started playing on my mind over and over eventually becoming toxic to me. Speaking up is so important. Acknowledge that you are having some negative feelings. Speak with your other half and a professional, don’t let anyone tell you what you are experiencing isn’t valid for you. If its leaving you feeling upset its valid.
The ups & downs of life as a step-mother, wife, employee, sister, daughter
Raising Healthy Kids... For Moms By Choice
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My Musings, My Thoughts & My Ponderings
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